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Hilarious Saab 9-3 Craigslist Ad

Tuned Saab 9-3 for Sale

You see, before that was that dude “craig” and his online “list“, there were things called “classified ads.” The nice thing about shopping for a car on Craigslist is that you can trust you’ll deal with a well-adjusted, down-to-Earth SAAB seller :)

This is one such classified ad, honest and fun:

Tuned 1999 saab 9-3 Looking for trade

Is your hairline receding? Do you need something that puts you in your seat and puts a smile on your face? Stop looking at shitty volkswagens and buy this saab. Up for sale is my 1999 Saab 9-3 with a moderate amount of work done to it. This car is no joke. For the feint of heart, a helmet is required at all times to drive this beast.

Tuned Saab 9-3 for Sale

Tuned Saab 9-3 for Sale

Lets focus on the good of this car first. The lady who had it before me died, probably from a heart attack caused by a premonition of how great this car would become once I got ahold of it, but it’s whatever. So she dies and leaves this soon to be beast sitting for a little while so yeah it’s got the typical dogleg rust spots, no big deal. So that means this car was ready to be modified and modified right.

I go up and buy a TD-04 and some SE sideskirts off some dude, install em and call it a day.
I put a large front mount intercooler in the front, now we’re talkin.
I bought some nice rare BBS RKIIs off this very same site and refinished that shit myself.
I get an intake and a blow off valve so everybody can know this bad bitch has a turbo that likes to scream.
I figure she’s gonna need a new clutch when I start chucking the panty dropping power at it, so I buy that shit and a throw out bearing off rockauto. (turns out it doesn’t need it yet somehow, so those are sitting at the shop.)
I buy a downpipe off of a buddy, had to make some revisions to it but it sounds CLEAN.
I slap a magnaflow on her, remove the middle resonator so she’s loud.
Southwick PD is not happy about that decision, so I put a vibrant resonator in it for good measure and haven’t had issues since.
I took out the rear seats, put in racing seats, and put a harness bar in for the four point racing harnesses.
I send a few emails to my pal JZW and he sends me a stage 4 ECU. That’s right fuckers, 300ish HP.
Shits going good, im gettin’ laid from this car left and right, then the radiator fucking explodes.
Not a big deal, I fixed it so it won’t happen to you.
I lowered it on vogtland springs to eliminate that eye sore wheel gap.
New 02 sensor
New spark plugs
It’s got subwoofers that will rattle your head until your eyes literally go out of focus.
Got some nice headlight bulbs in there too because if you’ve driven an older saab you know you can’t see shit at night.

The bad:
You’re going to get speeding tickets.
You’re probably going to crash it.
No rear seats for your kids (but if you’re a good parent you wouldn’t even let them look at this fucking thing)
AC doesn’t work cuz I snapped a goddamn line while doing the radiator.
Title is clean but due to my sister marking an X on the title, massachusetts thinks it has 9,999,999 miles even though it only has 141k.

All nonsense aside, this car is a good car. It gets you from point A to point B (quickly) and it sounds great. I’m in no rush to sell it and it’s my only car, so the price will have to be met if I sell it, but I am looking for a trade for a 5 speed 240 or miata in good condition.

One thought on “Hilarious Saab 9-3 Craigslist Ad

  1. RobotNixon

    This is great. I have a JZW tune and I know John from the same. I have my 1999 9-3 at Stage 2 from JZW, with the 3 inch super flow exhaust from Sweden, T-7 boost pressure control conversion, and K&N air in-take. I’m around 250 HP, and I should be around 280 pounds of torque, so I feel his claims about horsepower are correct.


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